There’s a saying that once you reach the top, you will be alone.
But I have never been alone. I always had you, even when you couldn’t be physically around.
People talk about unconditional love, but I am blessed with your absolute assurance that whatever I do or don’t, you’ll have my back. It has been challenging to understand this love of yours. Because the love I knew came with a fit of jealousy or possessiveness in the day. The one that demanded togetherness in everything we did or dictated inclusion irrespective of individual interests.
However, you told me that love knew no restraints or constraints. It’s merely a state of mind, not to be confused with the age-old barter system. One gives wholeheartedly, asking for nothing in return. I thought I’d see you buckle one day, but it turns out that when one receives selfless love, they involuntarily tend to start growing muscles with a shift in their tendencies. I am surprised to see these patterns in me, especially in the way I accept people as they are. It is refreshing to see when we are tired after a trip or a hard day at work, we fight to do chores instead of imposing them on each other.
Of course, this novel insight took time to foster and required many trials to grow into what we have today. When we were first married, we fought a lot. What could we expect from an arranged marriage with a courtship of roughly a month? We fought for things that define our very relationship now. That’s why you’d always hear me say – I love it when couples fight because only in disagreements, do the partners communicate in brutal honesty and take a stand for themselves. All our fights always led to a more diabolical understanding between us. Otherwise, what else would we have? A life of compromises, and the silent doldrums of a lithe, lifeless bond. I started to enjoy the fights less with each passing day, but I loved the mushy patch-ups more with time. It’s heartwarming to know what you’d give up to get my smile back. Mostly, this knowledge is enough to give in to your ways wholeheartedly.
Ironically, the fights put two people far from each other, but they put those two people in each other’s shoes when the same battle ends. I was not surprised, but utterly shocked, when you quit your job to be with me during my onsite state trip. I guess I never turned back on marrying you ever after that, except just the times I did when we fought, which is close to the number of days it rains in Singapore. I am kidding, of course. I can’t say it enough for all that you do, especially all the meals you make for me or run with me on all my errant plans. We are a team of two, and I never see that as limiting in any way.
Of late, I am meeting only two kinds of people who want to ask me why we don’t have kids and those who do. I have come to a point when these questions don’t affect me, but I do roll my eyes behind your back at your incessant need to pry. It’s essential and disturbing to note that these questions somehow find me more than my husband. Gender advocates out there, note this point. We might not have kids naturally, and we both don’t want to go through medical procedures. And in the future, if we ever have kids, it will be either by the grace of the universe or via adoption. We could be three or four in due course, but I choose us both and forever, for now.
I never thought we’d all have issues with babymaking. But, this has been our ground reality, and it has truly grounded us. It’s an altogether different and difficult experience that is introducing me to some subverted feelings I never knew existed. I get frustrated for not being able to have my bundle of joy, green with envy when I see a tired parent lunging at two or, sometimes, to my despair, three children, furious when someone keeps saying to have babies, and strangely happy when I realize my life is just my own and I can live it the way I dream. I haven’t told anyone yet, but I feel elated when I think about all the money I can spare for trips around the world or buy a few more pairs of shoes without having to splurge on diapers or Disney.
I am sure I would end up being the bad guy, but this entire episode has been an no less an emotional rollercoaster and left me wondering if I am the same person who used to think that if there are no kids, it’s not the end of the world. I think this carefree thought has come back to bite me and show me how far a desperate heart leaps.
Sometimes, I succeed in convincing myself that if I could live 30 years without tending to a little human, maybe I could survive the rest. And some days, as the empty arms come crushing my dreams , I simply shrug and look at the big picture, which for some reason isn’t clear yet, but I know someday it will, and that day, everything will finally fall into peace.
