Darling. Dearest. Divine
While love
is a golden hue on a sunny day,
a rainbow strewn on a magical day,
a colourless grey on a stormy day,
my love for you
is endless blue any day. every day!
Swetha. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Wife. Now, a mother to a 8 month old sweet boy I call SKY.
There are some thoughts and sentiments that I seldom say out loud but have no qualms about writing down. This blog is my book to ruminate and immortalize my ever-passing thoughts, especially with the days dissipating like heat, and absolutely not for you, my reader, to read, judge, or discern. This treasure box in the cyber-attic is for me to discover when I am much wiser or when I am far too removed from the life of a new mother, a title that currently crowns me.
6 December: What a ride!
Exactly two months with this munchkin. Today, I saw the recording when I got to first hold him in my hands. That was in August. Four months in, my life has transformed 360 degrees. I can’t say how much everything I get to do for him means to me. He is overwhelmingly precious.
I feel like I am the universe’s loving child, for it has allowed me to know love like my
- Dad’s: Unconditional. Compassionate. So expansive that I could feel its lingering presence in the air I breathe despite the miles between us.
- SK’s: Charming. Enduring. Giving to the fullest—the man who climbed mountains for me just because I asked [Mt Rhinjani, Indonesia, Circa June ’22 | Mt Hallasan, S. Korea, Circa June ’23]
- And Sky’s: in his eyes, that search for mine; in his smile when our eyes meet; and in those wet, sloppy kisses, that land on my cheek despite being a rare phenomena.
7 December: Gettogethers
A family function: Sarika and Surya getting hitched! We intentionally delayed our arrival so Sky wouldn’t have to spend too much time in the hands of random guests who attended. We dressed him in the first white cotton shirt we ever bought for him—full-sleeved and adorned with little brown buttons and cargo-colored chinos. He looked dashing, no less, in his formal attire.
My family met Sky after a brief hiatus of a few days, and they warmed him with giant hugs and unfading smiles. I must have seen this welcome so many times by now. Yet, it is still an unparalleled joy to watch them waltz around him with such warmth and affection.
Dad’s face, without exception, lights up when his eyes land on his face; Mom, who, as far as I know, as typically a bit detached, eagerly extends her arms to embrace him. Jyo and Sappu, I believe, have assumed the roles of extra mums who approach him with such ferocity that I wonder if Sky would learn to love them as much as me. Jeeju, in his trademark fashion, whisks him away to show him around. The function hall, for a moment, appeared to radiate something I was not used to seeing when I saw Sky charming everyone. Sure, I gave Sky a family to own, but he gave our family a chance to get closer, as if that were even possible. I have no two thoughts about him being the reason for our collective blessings.
In various capacities and frequencies, we are all undeniably lucky. Today was tiring, to say the least, and I’m sure to have a good night’s sleep.
8 December: Weekend begins
Friday snuck up on me, and I didn’t even realize it. Each day begins the same here, with Sky cooing (sometimes screeching) for my attention. I wake up to scoop him into my arms, plant kisses all over his cheeks, and embark on the adventurous task of peeking into his diaper. Most days, I find what I’m looking for, with a few rare exceptions. I have learned to clean him up with one hand while holding him to my body in the toilet, just so SK gets some more time to sleep. He has been waking up early (for him) since Sky joined us here, and I know he loves his morning sleep to death.
After a few minutes of play, Sk gives him a luxurious massage with cold-pressed almond oil, while I (mostly standing by my mum-in-law’s side) assist in preparing ragi malt and steamed idlis. The cold days have put a damper on our sunbathing plans, so we go for a water bath instead.
My maternity break is like a delightful blur without the stress of meetings and deadlines, and I secretly wish it never came to an end. I am aware that each moment and day I spend with him is going to be my trophy for the time to come, and I need to utilize this period to my best advantage.
10 December: Moves
I missed a day.
Yesterday, we undertook a mini-village migration. Packing all of Sky’s essentials into boxes and bags, we relocated to my mum’s house a few minutes away. While the mental image painted a picture of an exhaustive chore, the actual dance began and concluded within an hour. I’m pleased to say we’ve achieved a semblance of organization: One large Ikea box crammed with Sky’s clothes, reusable diapers, bibs, hats, and socks; a diaper bag packed with oats, date syrup, suji, milk formula, cutlery, a medicine pouch, and vaccination records. All the toys, extra milk formula, and pillows found their place in a giant reusable bag. After boxing the sterilizer, voila—mission accomplished.
It was then relatively easier to sort our clothes—a few pairs of loungewear, a couple of old jeans, and t-shirts that SK and I could swap if needed.
Parenthood is a breeze when you’ve got your priorities in check, which for us is all about keeping the baby fed and poop, grunt-free.
Anyway, these shifts and transitions between my mum and mum-in-law are prompting Sky to (re)adjust his routines. I see that getting familiar with the two households and their occupants is challenging for infants. But we are doing what we must—to give Sky a chance to know both families and learn their ways of affection and love.
11 December: Toothless
<9:36 am>
Sky just stirred from sleep. Dad is coaxing him into playing, even as he still yawns. He is on the lookout for me these days and smiles instantly when our eyes meet. That toothless grin with starry eyes steals my heart and absconds with it repeatedly.
In these moments, my existence slips away from my mind. There is no ‘I’ anymore. I find myself beaming back at him, hopelessly in love with a boy who is yet to realize that the “amma” he calls for in his sleep refers to me.
12 December: I live in—a corner is his heart
I lacked the energy to open up my laptop for an entry yesterday, but just when I confided about my wish for Sky to call me Amma, he chose to make it the day to end my predicament.
Sk was preparing his bath, waiting to fill the bucket with hot water. I was playing with Sky, a variation of high-fives where I tap his palms until he flunks them down to the bed. It amused him, and he was giggling a lot. Sk also wanted to join the fun, so he nudged me away and attempted a high-five. However, Sky shook his head, grunted an aah, and then uttered the magical words my ears have been yearning to hear, “Ma-ummm” and extended his hands towards me.
As Sk walked away with a puzzled face, I was completely bowled while my mind tried to register the significance of what had just happened. I wanted to wail, but I let it be a silent moment with my eyes brimming with tears.
I never realised it, but being chosen is the best feeling one can ever experience. It subtly validates you for who or what you are to them, and instills a sense of belonging in their lives.
I was suddenly filled with pride. Not because I felt accomplished, but mostly because I felt full.
In life, if you ever have a chance to choose people, choose love, for the choices we make today will resonate through the echoes of time.
13 December: Sleepy love
3 weeks into my maternity break. I’m ever-so-happy and light. I take each minute for what it is.
Chores don’t weigh on my mind; mobile time is non-mandatory; in fact, I won’t even know where I last left it. I have lost appetite for ‘me-times’.
I am surprising myself, for I know myself as a lazy person who absolutely despises routines and seeks newness, who lives to relish quiet times, and who enjoys getting away from everything and traveling far.
Nothing I said above entices me anymore. My clock, like I said numerous times, has swapped its numbers with Sky’s feeding routines. I’ve mastered putting him to sleep like nothing else in my life by impersonating a singing kohl. These are my tiny victories each day, and I feel elated for having done them with soothing energies rather than rushing Sky through them.
Today, he kissed me again. Not the wet, sloppy one. This is the second time he kissed me when he was drifting into sleep. As I was playfully showering him with kisses, he gently held my cheek with one hand and planted a soft kiss. My being can feel his love in these moments. Just when I think of him as an infant, he makes these sweet gestures that touch (actually shake) my core. How could a little child know to express love like this? How could he learn to melt an adult into a puddle of tender tears?
Nevertheless, he does it with ease.
Meet Sky. The boy who evokes such warmth in you not by being adorable, that he is, but by exuding such kindness and gentleness, that you actually can taste peace.
15 December:Aarin
I had always imagined having a daughter, and I had already chosen a name and a pet name for her deep within my heart. However, life, as it often does, had different plans and surprised me. When I learned we were going to have a boy, the name that instantly came to mind was Sky. It felt endless, like my love for him; deep, like the blue sea; and cool when picturing him introducing himself to a potential love interest, who might go cross-eyed with delight. But, alas, no one liked it. No one.
Even my nieces, my last hope, bailed out.So, I downsized this name to a social media moniker, a reference in my stories and blogs. That seemed to settle the matter.
Choosing his name, on the other hand, proved easier both in selection and finalisation. I knew I needed a name that reflected an element of nature. I played with the words of water, sky, and mountains in different languages, starting with Japanese (Akiyama, autumn mountain), Sanskrit (Viaan, sky), and a few other contenders like Ivaan (ruler) that fell apart soon when I ran them with SK, my spouse.
Next, I arrived at Aren, peace and quiet [ren-lotus|love] in two days. I was almost certain that this was it but when I slept on it, it seemed rather too inconclusive, even though the meaning of it was beautifully potent.
I loved it but I had to move on. So I continued my search, and in minutes that day, I came across the word that became the name of our baby.
Aarin. It’s Hebrew for a mountain of strength. I loved it instantly, and so did Sk, my family, and anyone who asked me his name so far.
I wanted it to be a reminder to anyone he comes across to believe in their inner resiliency and strength. Something which we often forget about ourselves that all that we ever need is within ourselves. I truly hope this serves others through him.
Introducing my own Aarin. The boy who would stand as a mountain for me. For many.
2023 in a rush
Sarika’s wedding depleted all our energies. We spent most of our time meticulously planning which of us would attend which events, coordinating jewelry and outfit combinations, and indulging in crazy shopping sprees for kids and selves. The actual events were a whirlwind, but all in good fun. I am not complaining at all, there were lots of photo ops, delectable foods, and the charming company of family. What’s not to love. Just that there was this catch. These events were scattered all across Hyderabad, like Moinabad, Shamshabad, and the like—for engagement, haldi, sangeet, wedding, and reception. Let’s not get into the numerous lunch gatherings and the groom’s side drink invites. In a nutshell, the delightful December flew by on a magical carpet, and all I have to show for it are the sweet collection of pictures with Sky.
1 February
I might have skipped January, but it seems January skipped me too.
With Sk back in Singapore, my focus was solely on tending to Sky’s routine, nutrition, and immersive playtime. I still managed to carve out time and do a few things. One highlight was watching Single’s Inferno Season 3— of which I was a fan of every episode, with my favorite moments being 1. Min-kyu creatively and quite originally removing the buttons off his shirt and handing one end of shirt wing to Min-Jee, who was seated adjacent to her in a sea flight, so she could wipe her tears. 2. When the girls, especially Hye-seon, iconically stood up against Gwan-Hee. Goosebumps moment. I rewatched it multiple times.
I also created a photo book for Sky, capturing all the moments he spent with us, and presented it to SK today. My dad was mighty impressed, SK was meh. One noteworthy detail is the project didn’t save automatically, causing me to lose all my 20-page effort. Just the mere thought of redoing it felt like walking on a road without any vehicles, stranded and hungry. But after crying for straight twenty minutes (internally) I finally found the resolve in me to recreate from my memory. This time, I mean the second attempt, worked out wonderfully and the end product was ever so lovely.
Third – Yes, I’m still going on. I finished a book that was left pending in 2023.
Murakami’s What I talk about when I talk about running. It should have been a hard 3 for me; however, the topics and experiences he talks about in the book resonated with me in the many wakes of my life. For example, mountain trekking and my regular spiritual practice of walking in parks (and cities). I was filled with such awe that he ran numerous marathons, ultramarathons, and triathlons. How he managed to do all that, along with writing best-selling books one after the other,. He says running has helped him to write, and that’s exactly how I feel about my writing as well. Its not running, but definitely my experiencing life. And its consequences.
So that was January. And here’s an update—actually, two crucial ones:
1. Sky is 10 months old. What he is right now is a fiery ball of fun; he hits, shouts at his lungs’ full capacity, and throws things out of anger. But when it comes to smiles, he showers them wholeheartedly and enjoys handing off hugs and kisses to the people who make him smile the most. He is still weary of strangers, but not as much as he was before. He relishes food, fakes cough to catch my attention, and loves to intently watch his surroundings. [as the mundane scenes unravel around him].
He is growing splendidly and filling my heart with his giggles.
2. We are going back to Singapore. Finally!
The week has come to pack our village and return. The lengthy ordeal of paperwork and arranging travel essentials has finally come to a halt, and we’ll be flying soon. That said, what I see all around are grandparents and my siblings (his big mamas) feeling the weight of their attachment to Sky. Though it was anticipated, I don’t think one could ever shield their hearts, especially around babies. They went all in, and they will have to pay their emotional toll.
I’m still not feeling anything, so all I can do now is look forward to our future as a family in Singapore.
11 February
I realized that when he is cranky or avoids sleeping despite being sleepy, it is the time to be more kind and patient, for he is going through something. Either in the mind or a discomfort somewhere in his body, like pain or hunger, While that has worked wonderfully, I am yet to learn to prioritize sleep as I somehow evade it and do everything under the sun rather than surrendering to sleep. I had promised earlier this year that I would consciously change these anti-patterns in myself, and today I did put away my phone and nuzzled beside Sky when he was busy in his slumber. It went well until Sky decided to wake up and yank at my hair.
The past few days were busy with making lists, tidying up, researching, and buying stuff for Sky. Like a stroller, which cost us sleep (quite literally, one day when it became too overwhelming to choose a stroller, I and SK sat together and researched thoroughly, watching numerous videos and articles for the perfect unicorn stroller until we finalised a Joie model). Other things have been easy, like a trike and a booster chair. Guess the majority of things are done and everything else falls on me to clean up my shelves.
Sky has been missing India – the comforts that he has known, especially his room and the love of his grandparents. It must have been really rough to ensure change at such a young age, but I know in my heart that he adapts faster than usual.Today was relatively bright-er.
We took him to the beach for the first time. More than the water, though, he enjoyed the company of other kids playing and wanted to explore on his own two feet.
2 July
Each day, I follow your darting eyes
with bowls and plates
composing hauntingly beautiful noises
I want to know how you transform any space into your own atelier
Looking back at 2024
I came back to read my previous posts here, and it made me all sweetly nostalgic. I started this page back when I wanted to keep a tab on my thoughts and my growth with Sky. He is now a wild 21-month-old. Life of late has been busy, but it’s never too late to journal on what’s going on in here. We are just back from a 3-week holiday in India, and there’s been a cliff-like growth in Sky’s milestones. His vocabulary skyrocketed from a mere dozen two-syllable words to over sixty three-syllable words. But I guess this post shouldn’t just be about the last few days of the year but also from where I left off last.
Also if I don’t, 2025 might struggle to hold its meaning or keep its promise.
So, this year set me on a transformational journey. It took me from being a fazed new mother to becoming a fierce mama bear.
I gratefully survived challenges, made confident decisions, and learned some intriguing lessons by surrendering to the inevitable missteps along the way. Reflecting on all of it, three things resonate deeply:
- learning to live guilt-free while carving out time for myself
- recognizing and addressing the distance creeping into my relationship with my husband, and
- figuring out a routine that not only kept us all sane but also brought many mini-moments of togetherness.
Crafting Routines That Truly Work for Us
So when it was time for them to leave us on our own, it was a battlefield, to say the least. House chores, baby needs (and demands), and work essentials took us on a breathless ride. And we knew we needed someone to help us, and the country we lived in has a great system for this. A live-in helper who comes with just what we need. But even before we stumbled on this decision on our own, my husband wanted to check the market, and joined some WhatsApp groups to eyeball the conversations and understand what happened there. One day, he randomly messaged a profile’s contact to interview her and practice the questions when we finally land in the scheme of things. However, as luck would have it, we finalized the very profile after talking to her past employers. I was told by her reference, from a mum-to-mum, that she would keep the baby first, even before her needs, and that was exactly who I could rely on on the days I left home for work.
Even with her around, we made sure we took care of Sky’s personal needs like bathing, cleaning, or feeding him. Also, as a rule, one of us is always home along with the helper and child.
This helped a great deal because even to this day, our Sky’s primary caregivers are me and my husband.
The next big decision when Sky turned 18 months was to send him to a play school. This was met with some mixed reactions, and it was left to me to make the call. And despite whatever was said, I truly believed that he needed complementary stimulation and interaction with similar-age kids to keep his neural networks going. This was another favorable decision that worked for us.
“Building a strong support system doesn’t just catch us when we fall; it reminds us that we don’t have to carry the weight alone.”
Sky’s day at 21 months runs like this nowadays:
Morning:
- 7:00 AM: wakes up, drinks milk, and completes bathroom routine.
- Breakfast and play: Helper prepares breakfast; sometimes feeds the child if we’re in a hurry.
School Drop-off:
- 9:00 AM: We walk Sky to his playschool.
- School Time: He plays with friends and teachers, goes for a nature walk, greets neighborhood vendors, and eats lunch independently.
- If we have time, we sit in a cafe and have silly conversations before we go our ways.
Midday:
- Household Chores: Helper cooks and tidies the house.
- 12:00 PM: Either my spouse (SK) or I pick up Sky, bathe, and feed him.
Afternoon:
- 1:00 PM – 3:00 PM (or 4:00 PM): Nap time; the helper stays with him until around 5:00 PM.
Evening:
- 5:30 PM: Finish work and we take him to the playground, or a cycle ride, or to a pool/splash zone.
- Return Home: Sky gets a warm shower from my husband, I feed him dinner, and then we read books and play on the bed before he finally falls asleep.
Night:
- 8:30 PM: We have dinner together and later catch up on work some more. Helper retreats to her room after cleaning up after us.
- Before Midnight: We wrap up the day.
Intentional Revival of my Relationship
Besides nurturing our child, I also wanted to nurture our relationship in the early on because I noticed that raising a child consumed all our energy, and we often neglected our own selves or each other. I was concerned that if left without correction, this could brew a long-lasting distance between us, despite living under the same roof. Ironically, what truly helped was consciously nurturing the intention to keep the family first while also prioritizing each individual’s well-being within this framework. It is quite extraordinary how just holding on to your intention creates a shift in your immediate world.
I didn’t even have to go out of my way to fix anything besides watering this intention diligently. The course correction naturally happened because of the shift in my mindset and in the overall ecosystem.
For starters, we did more things together, like riding our bikes almost every weekend and most evenings to beaches, malls, and scenic cycling paths with upbeat music accompanying us. This gave us the time to maintain regular check-ins with each other, and for Sky, it meant exposure to natural surroundings while auto-tuning to our silly banter.
“When we show tenderness to the small moments in another’s life, we awaken a quiet reciprocity in their heart.”
Falling in love with my Life
My third focus was on holding my own fort and accepting that I could take time for myself despite my role’s demands. There were always moments of confusion and guilt, but I learned that if I am always there, I will continue to make sacrifices while my child learns to accept my presence as a given or defacto. If I didn’t address this early on, I might never be given another chance.
I started by taking short breaks when my child napped, gradually extending them to meet friends, go on solo coffee walks, or simply sit on a park bench and journal. I even took pottery classes when I felt deeply disconnected with myself. My husband also ensured he attended his dive classes weekly to maintain his personal fitness and time away from our everyday chaos.
Last month, when I was asked to go on a business trip to Kuala Lumpur for 3-4 days, I fought through layers of FOMO and finally chose to reignite my professional life. It turned out to be one of the best decisions for my family. It made them less dependent on me. Sky could happily sleep with my husband without my presence, which was a huge win. This experience showed me that everyone handled it better than I did. In the end, I got a few nights off, and while I thought I would use this time to explore the city, I ended up sleeping in the hotel bed and watching the baby monitor as my husband sweetly bonded with our son.
I learned that the world would be okay even without me, which was both a painful and delightful realization.
And that’s the thing with kids (and husbands). They grow up. They may not need you one day. And while it is well liberating, it may also hurt you like you suddenly stepped on a thousand needles. Oh well, there’s nothing to worry about; life, like always, finds a way!
